Your writing is atrocious

Provide me with the original draft of your excretable word amalgamation. Email is preferred, so please try to have a computer for this step. Also, send me a computer.

Focusing my editorial energy (chi), I stare intensely at your document up to four hours, daring it to blink first. After years of practice, I have attained a level 9 staring proficiency.

Maybe I shouldn't have skipped breakfast, but I was running late for work. Don't worry, all these extra little expenses will be itemized on my invoice.

I'm not going to lie to you - talent like mine costs money. A lot of money. The kind of money you have to deliver in a duffel bag to a locker I designate at the bus station.

I've skimmed your file, and it appears to be some sort of anarchist manifesto. My patriotic sense of civic duty compels me to alert the proper anti-terrorism authorities.

That's bizarre; I don't even speak Latin. Perhaps it isn't Latin at all, but a new language I just invented. Call a linguist and my patent attorney to make sure.

Utilizing proprietary cohesive synergies (enslaved elves) leveraged via lean dynamic paradigms (rocks), expect punctuation upgrades approaching 10%.

I've already spent all the money, so you're not getting it back. Also I deleted all our emails and changed my phone number and moved to a new state.

They're a bunch of assholes anyway. They never liked you. Screw those guys. Especially Thulsa Doom, that guy is such a jerk.

You'd better believe they're going to run. And you're going to chase them. They won't get far.

This is the best part. Women are so pretty when they cry. Maybe one will let you touch her hair. Hopefully none of your enemies are single.

Not the talk-show host. You need to marathon epic barbarian movies on repeat for days and try to forget Schwarzenegger ever did Kindergarten Cop.